Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I have some sad news to convey. My discernment process, for the time being, is on hold. What was the occassion for this, you ask?

Two weeks ago I went to Fatima to have a talk with my vocational director. I hadn't had a chance to see him since I returned from Madrid and both he and I were desirous to talk about the experience and see how the discernment was coming along. I arrived at Fatima Friday evening, and met Father A. near the shrine and we talked a bit while visiting groups were praying the rosary at the Chapel of the Apparition. The next morning I spoke to him some more; we then went to visit the local (and I guess the only?) byzantine-rite chapel, where I made the acquaintance of a ukranian priest who is a friend of Father A. and also discovered that Father A. can concelebrate in the byzantine-rite liturgy. I was really impressed by this chapel. Though it was really small, I myself felt very small and was full of awe, such was the atmosphere created by all the ikons and the likes. Afterwards, I gave him my prayer notebook and we parted company until after lunch. I took advantage of the free time to confess, to do some shopping (bought an ikon and a book about St. Ignatius), and also pray calmly and without haste. When we met again, Father A. had already read my notebook and we talked a bit about what was in it. I recall he said something that comforted me much: that though I might sometimes have doubts about my vocation, or that I just might have a hunch that I have one, that outside observers can spot such these things better than one can, and that he had no doubts about my vocation, i.e., that I have one. We then talked about me returning to the Disciples, to see if that is where God is calling me, or if he shouldn't start pointing me in other directions. And so I left Fatima that day, full of hope and peace.

Yet that was not soon to last. When I finally got home my mother demanded to know why exactly had I gone to Fatima. And when I finally told her that I wanted to be a priest, things got real ugly real fast (she said things that really wounded me); I never even got to explain the why. The atmosphere at home was ackward for the rest of the week between the both of us. I then sent an e-mail to the Disciples, asking when I could visit them again, and they invited me over for the 2 week retreat that started on the 19th. I asked my dad if he would let me off from work for this. This was the first time I talked to him about my vocation. Though he told me to do whatever it was I wanted to since I'm old enough, he began crying and saying some things that truely hurt me.

Two days later I gave up on going to the retreat; I couldn't bear the pressure anymore. And to get them off of my back, I no longer mentioned my vocation and said that perhaps I'd consider following engineering after all. Perhaps I'm just a coward. Or maybe I just didn't have enough faith in our Lord. I really don't know. All I know is that I felt - and still feel - quite miserable on having given up. For all my enthusiasm and wanting to say "whenever you want me, O Lord!", I ran away at the first sign of trouble.

So for now, everything is on stand-by. I will be returning to the US for an indeterminate period of time. I will try to continue my discernment somehow while there, if God is willing. I will not give up on answering God's call; I just have to manage the nerve to say "No" to my parents' will.

Please pray for me in this hour of hurt and nead. And my God forgive my cowardness and infidelity to Him.

Pax Christi,
Mark of the Vineyard

A message from a reader of the blog.

To whom it may concern:

Good wishes for your studies toward ordination and your discernment. You might consider having some contact with a cloistered, contemplative religious order and ask for prayers for your ministry. May I suggest that you contact a totally dedicated, traditional contemplative community of sisters whose Monastery is in the Berkshires in Massachusetts ... they dress in the traditional habit; the sisters live an authentic life ... and their love and joy knows no bounds. Perhaps one of the sisters could "adopt" you in prayer as they have done for other priests and seminarians They are in the diocese of Springfield, MA.

If you wish .. click on the website for the Visitation Monastery in Tyrinham, MA ...
www.vistyr.org

JMJ
Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post, but much has happened. Firstly, I am not going to join the Carmelite Sisters in Los Angeles for many reasons. But suffice it to say that although they are very wonderful, they do not have the Tridentine Mass, etc., which I am more than attached to. I have come to find that, in order for me to join a religious order, I would definitely want to be able to attend the Tridentine Mass on a regular basis. I am currently looking into the Sisters Adorers of the Royal Heart of Jesus Christ Sovereign Priest, the sister order to the Institute of Christ the King. Also, I am interested in the Carmelites that Mary Pedry recently posted about.

I have had many doubts lately, doubting at times as to whether or not I may be called to the religious life. At one point, I thought that perhaps God was calling me to the married life, but that does not seem to be the case. I feel sort of in a spiritual limbo right now, not knowing where to turn or in which direction to go. I do not feel a pull any particular direction at this time, although I do feel that my life has something to do with the promotion of the Tridentine mass and its culture.

With all that being said, I will be attending Christendom College in Virginia this fall, in fact in a few days. Please pray for me, you are all in my prayers. I will try to post again soon. God bless.

In the Sacred Heart of Jesus,
Sequoia Sierra

Hello All who Post here:

After months really, of viewing this blog, I am finally a member! It is heartening to read all the posts - sometimes it is easy to think that you are the only one with all such things brewing in your heart.

Discernment:

I have been discerning now for three years - a long time I know, but I started out in the woods and it took me at least two years just to find the road again. No doubt then, one of the virtues I have been tutored in these past years is Patience. And if Our Lord was not already Absolutely Perfect, I would be tempted to say that His patience has been severely tried. But instead, what a testimony of His thirst for one soul. And I am sure, its only just begun.

My discernment in the past year has taken me to visit many different convents - most of them listed in the convent list to the side of this blog. As my profile art may hint at, I have come to rest with the Carmelites because I find that it is St. John of the Cross, St. Theresa of Avila and St. Therese that speak most familiarly to my heart and soul...and because, this is where Our Lady has led me. I have visited the Carmel of Jesus, Mary and Joseph in Nebraska twice and know a number of young women who are there or who have been there - these associations have led me to a very surprising, unexpected and challenging vocation - to help in the founding of a new group of Carmelites with an active apostolate of teaching. It is providential to have found this blog, because one of the challenges has been how to get the word out to other young women.

Here is a paste of the short information page concerning the birth of our apostolate:

J.M.J.
“Put me as a seal upon thine heart and as a seal upon thine arm.”

RE: Active Carmelite Order
Apostolate: Formation of Young Women through Teaching
Absolutely Obedient to the Holy Roman Catholic Church – Magisterium, Tradition, Sacred Scripture

With support and spiritual foster-care of Carmel of Jesus, Mary and Joseph in Valparaiso, Nebraska we feel called to form a new group of young women who will serve the Church through total consecration in religious life, according to the norms of the Church. This foundation will take on the Carmelite spirituality and rule; the mode of life would be deeply contemplative, modeled after the quiet life of the Blessed Mother in her home in Nazareth. To this end the school at which the girls (probably grades 7-12) would be taught would be on the same grounds and would remain a day school, not a boarding school.

The first step to begin such a foundation is vocations! We are praying that Our Lady gather steady and fervent young women who feel a kinship to the Carmelite spirituality and who deeply desires to fall continually more In Love with Our Lord by giving herself to Him in consecrated, spousal love and then emanating this very love for the good of others – particularly those whom they will influence in the aforementioned apostolate.

If you are interested, or know of any young women searching, please pass along this information. I think Our Lord must really speak directly to her heart and she must be able to recognize it, because it is a difficult way to join a group that is not established, that is only in its “birth pangs” – it will require a deep faith, which no doubt Our Lord will give to any He calls.

Please contact: Mary Pedry at: Ilyria.98@gmail.com
Or call: 307-237-3102
Mary Anne at: peachesandcream3@sbcglobal.net

I would definately appreciate any questions and feedback as well, about this post.
In Jesus and Mary,
Mary

Labels: Call to Carmel

+JMJD
Hello my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ!!

I know that this is a little late…well, about 2 months late, but you know the saying, “better late than never”…anyways, at the end of last May I attended the May Vocation Retreat with the Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia, and it was wonderful! My father had driven me down [I have family in Nashville actually that he was planning on visiting at the same time as the retreat so it was kind of providential…] and I remember driving up and the first thing I saw was the miraculous Sacred Heart statue [along with hearing my father exclaim, “There’s Jesus!”] and feeling a great sense of peace as if I were returning home from a long trip [I could sense that St. Cecilia’s was the ONE, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions just yet]…then, as my father was helping me with my luggage and walking me to the door to say his goodbyes, he said something which has rung through my mind ever since and that was, “Someday, we’ll be doing this again, except I won’t be coming back to pick you up”…naturally, this was a reality check for me, especially since this was my first convent visit [I visited my local Benedictine monastery when I was a Sophomore in high school for a class retreat, but the Sisters there are not what you would consider to be traditional]…now, if I continue at this rate, then this post will never end…so I’ll list a few things that I absolutely adored [this is a long list too, but I will try to restrain myself]:

~Community Prayer: For all of those who are accustomed to praying the Divine Office like I am, these Sisters take it to a whole new level, and words cannot completely express how heavenly it is just to witness them praying these timeless prayers…it is as if angels had come down from heaven and stolen the voices of these Sisters…I remember having just arrived and the first thing I experienced was Vespers and Rosary and I remember telling myself, “They do this three times a day…every day!”…Now, the Community Rosary is just amazing especially with all of the voices of the Sisters joined together as one…I tell you, you can feel the souls being saved…Compline and Lauds are just as wonderful…the Salve Procession is the highlight of the night, and the rumors are true…there is no way of fully explaining it, but the climax has got to be when at “Eia ergo, advocate nostra…” where all the Sisters in unison kneel, no matter where they are in the procession, which serves as a reminder of how Mary at that same moment kneels before Our Lord to intercede for the Dominican Order…it is so wonderful! And I cannot forget the Mass…now this is not your typical 30 minute Daily Mass…there is a processional hymn and a recessional hymn and the propers are chanted in Latin and communion is received on the tongue...it is like a little Sunday Mass everyday…

~Marian Traditions: I have already mentioned the community Rosary and the Salve Procession, but there is also the Rosary walk which complements the beautiful grounds of the convent and is just a delight to take part it…something that really caught my attention, mainly because I was not expecting it, was how every night just before profound silence, one of the Sisters goes around to all of the cell and blesses it with holy water and upon blessing the cell she says, “Hail Mary” and if the person in the cell hears it, they respond with, “Full of Grace”…it is so simple, so beautiful, and there is nothing like being put under the protection of our dear Mother before we go to sleep…there are many more Marian traditions but I will move on.

~Bells: I loved being woken up by the bells…of course the bells serve as the voice of God calling us to prayer, but it is a great joy to hear them first thing in the morning…I remember my first morning in the convent and waking up to those bells, and I thought to myself, “He is calling me to be with Him…He longs to be with me”…it is too perfect…

~Silence and Silence at meals: I love the silence of the convent, it is so peaceful…now that doesn’t mean that it is always quiet all the time…no, quite the contrary, there are appropriate moments for recreation and conversing, but there are also set times for silence which keeps the center on God…also, the silence at meals is great…now during the meals there is no speaking except for one of the Sisters reading from a book and it is designed so that as they are physically nourishing their bodies, they are also nourishing their souls…

~Apostolate [teaching]: I love the apostolate…naturally we all face the question about whether or not we would fit into the apostolate especially if we are studying for a different career or are in a different career, and even though I am a CCD teacher for 3rd and 4th graders, I still had apprehensions about whether or not I would fit into that part of religious life…the second night of the retreat there was an apostolate panel which would prepare us for going out to the apostolate the next day, and it really opened my eyes to the joy that Sisters have towards teaching and how they are capable of seeing Christ in each and every one of their students…their joy and zeal was so alive and so real that it mirrored in my heart the same joy and zeal that I have for my students, whom I see Christ in…and it was through this panel that my fears about the apostolate were set at ease, and I could begin to see myself as a St. Cecilia Dominican…

St. Cecilia’s has technically been #2 on my list and I initially went on this retreat to get a closer look at religious life and to be open to the possibility that God may want me to be at St. Cecilia’s since I had recently felt more drawn to Nashville rather than Ann Arbor [which was #1], but I was still not willing to let go of Ann Arbor. During this retreat I constantly asked God if He indeed wanted me at St. Cecilia’s and it was not until the last night that I received my answer. I had spoken to Sr. Mary Emily [the Vocation Director] on the 3rd night of the retreat and though I was starting to feel called to St. Cecilia’s with more certainty, she thought it best that I spend the next year seriously asking God if He was calling me to St. Cecilia’s and to allow my desire for religious life to grow. But then something happened during the last night that I wasn’t expecting…I had gone into the chapel for Vespers and everything just clicked…I had come to the realization that everything that I desired in a religious community was in St. Cecilia’s and there was not a single aspect of St. Cecilia’s which I did not like and everything was clear and I could feel with the most conviction that I have ever felt that I was being called to be a Nashville Dominican and this conviction continued through the community Rosary and since it was Saturday the Joyful mysteries were being prayed and any fears that I had left were set at ease with the Annunciation…I knew that I had to speak to Sr. Mary Emily again and so I was able to speak with her again before Compline and I explained everything which had just occurred and she could sense that my call to St. Cecilia’s was becoming clearer but she was not sure if I was ready to enter a few months later in August so she advised me to continue to wait and allow my call to grow clearer…she had also asked me to make another visit in October for the Jesu Caritas retreat along with visiting the Sisters in Carmel, IN which is about 15 minute from where I live…

Still, two months later, this conviction has ceased to fade and my love for St. Cecilia’s has only grown. I can feel in my heart that I am called to be a Nashville Dominican and that I was created to be a Bride of Christ…what a beautiful blessing it is to know that it was not I who chose this for me but God, that this is all part of His plan for me…

Our Lord asked St. Thomas Aquinas near the end of his life, “You have written well Thomas, what is it that you desire?” and in reply Thomas says, “Non nisi te, Domine”…”Nothing but you, Lord”…may I also proclaim “Non nisi te, Domine”….

Labels: Nun2Be

Mt 13:44-52

Jesus said to his disciples:
“The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure buried in a field,
which a person finds and hides again,
and out of joy goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant
searching for fine pearls.
When he finds a pearl of great price,
he goes and sells all that he has and buys it.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net thrown into the sea,
which collects fish of every kind.
When it is full they haul it ashore
and sit down to put what is good into buckets.
What is bad they throw away.
Thus it will be at the end of the age.
The angels will go out and separate the wicked from the righteous
and throw them into the fiery furnace,
where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.

“Do you understand all these things?”
They answered, “Yes.”
And he replied,
“Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven
is like the head of a household
who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old.”

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Fellow bloggers, I have been blogging here more frequently, and I think it is because of how I am praying for enlightenment in the light of the different liturgical abuses in the Church today. I have been confused for quite a time this week because of how we worship today and assist at Mass. I consider the Mass a central part of the spirituality I am attempting to adopt, and I am really praying for the grace to maintain its sanctity, to preserve its richness, to maximize its holiness.

All along something within me has been telling me that only the Traditional Latin Mass can keep up with such a description of an ideal Mass: sacred, rich, holy. But after thinking and meditating it quite at length, and after reading today's Gospel, I am led to believe in the following things I am about to write.

Many Catholics may consider this generation a very rebellious, secular, modernist society. One need not look deep within this society to find how things are gradually secularized. Personally, I am studying in a university where secular values predominate, in keeping with a spirit of equality with other groups of students who may believe in other gods or do not believe in the divine altogether. People of today's world may have turned into what we may consider a modernist society, in such a way that even our religious values are slowly being made to disintegrate.

We are living in an era where choices seem too depraved and immoral, where pleasure and indulgence take the place of sacrifice and self-giving, where love and peace are turned into hatred and violence. All of these may be happening at too much a degree that many people consider our times to be the last days. Only God may confirm the truth about this assumption, but nonetheless, we may choose to conclude: we are living in a society that necessitates renewal, especially in how we now approach spirituality and Christian responsibility.

This phenomenon, already recognized in the middle of the 20th century, may well be considered an impetus for the Church to reexamine its perspective on contemporary society. I personally believe it is not a question of relevance to the demands of society. Rather I prefer to believe that it is a question of how the Church can bring Christian spirituality to a world in which new forms of an ancient spiritual hunger have been created within our hearts. Thus, the Second Vatican Council.

This is what I believe to be the thrust of the Second Vatican Council: an attempt guided by the Holy Spirit in discerning the role of the Church in contemporary society, an attempt that aims to deliver the Christian message more effectively yet in a manner faithful to Apostolic tradition.

One of the reforms brought about by the Council were the changes in the liturgy. It may still be debatable on whether these changes truly conform to the spirit of the Council and effectively carries out the Council's thrusts.

And the fact remains that the changes in liturgy, which we now name the Novus Ordo Mass, may have served as a starting point for differences in putting the edited liturgy into practice. Here in the Philippines, many of these diversions abound. But somehow, at the end of the day, one may think about how these diversions served their purpose. Did these lead the people closer to Christ? And more importantly, did these differences in liturgy properly pay respect due the Eucharist, the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ?

The reformers of the Mass put forward provisions aiming to maintain the solemnity of the celebration and the honor and adoration it must give the Eucharist. These reforms, I am sure, were prayerfully thought out while considering the lifestyle of today's Catholic. But how is the Mass being said today?

Many of the changes in the Catholic Church since the Second Vatican Council have left some people confused. Some may have chosen to leave the Church altogether, and some claim to remain while being in a stance against the Council.

With my discovery of the Traditional Latin Mass, I was tempted to think that this form ought to be used universally within the Church, with all restrictions to its use in parishes be lifted. I think that sentiment wouldn't be changed so far.

But I think the reason why I love it so much is this: the Latin Mass so much shows reverence to the Eucharist in a way very different to how current Masses are said. And this is not to downgrade the Novus Ordo, since from its inception I believe the reformers tried their best to preserve the spirit of the Mass within it. I believe it is the manner itself by which Masses are held today. I believe it is in how people are made to behave in the Mass. I believe it is in how we are faithful to the General Instructions to the Roman Missal, a product of the Council, that we truly see how much honor and adoration we are putting in the Mass.

Therefore I am writing this not only to proclaim a personal stand but in order to help me further believe: that I believe in the Novus Ordo Mass as well as how I believe in the Traditional Latin Mass. I believe that both of these are different yet equally valid expressions of One Reality that is the Eucharist. I believe that the Council, from which the Novus Ordo derives its inspiration, is inspired by the guidance of the Holy Spirit and rejecting such a Council would entail rejecting the Holy Spirit.

But this is also what I believe, that abuses in the Novus Ordo Mass ought to cease, and that all Masses be offered while being faithul to the General Instruction to the Roman Missal and all documents of the Church.

Brothers and sisters, join me in praying for a holier and more worthy celebration and assisting at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

“Then every scribe who has been instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from his storeroom both the new and the old.”

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

photo credits:
http://www.episcopalcathedral.org/window12.jpg, http://dotnettemplar.net/blogfiles/LatinMassinPrincetonNewJerseyArea_145D8/Mass.jpg, http://www.execulink.com/~dtribe/blog/AmbrosianLitRome.jpg, http://www.st-georges-warminster.org.uk/images/pagemaster/Cardinal_Pell_presiding_over_Mass.jpg

Labels: Jim Lopez

Mt 13:24-30

Jesus proposed a parable to the crowds.
“The Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man
who sowed good seed in his field.
While everyone was asleep his enemy came
and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off.
When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well.
The slaves of the householder came to him and said,
‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field?
Where have the weeds come from?’
He answered, ‘An enemy has done this.’
His slaves said to him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’
He replied, ‘No, if you pull up the weeds
you might uproot the wheat along with them.
Let them grow together until harvest;
then at harvest time I will say to the harvesters,
“First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles for burning;
but gather the wheat into my barn.”’”

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Today I attended my second Latin Mass. But this was different from the one I attended last Sunday; this time it's a Low Mass at Our Lady of Victories Church in New Manila, Quezon City, a church operated by members of the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX).

SSPX is a group of traditionalist Roman Catholics, whose founder Archbishop Marcel Lefebvre ran into conflict with Pope John Paul II after ordaining bishops without prior papal permission. As a result, this action prompted the late pontiff to excommunicate Lefebvre and the bishops he had ordained.

Nonetheless, despite the controversy that may be surrounding the SSPX, throughout the day I have been feeling the urge to attend one Latin mass for today. I have been looking at various videos, reading various blogs that have some things to tell about the Traditional Latin Mass. But just this afternoon, I wanted something concrete to look at, as well as something with which I can compare. I have been given the grace to hear Mass that is fully approved within the Roman Church, now I wanted to see what the SSPX has to offer.

I have posted here about the richness of the Traditional Rite, tonight, I will say it again. Heavenly. Elevating. Holy.

But, sadly, as the Communion Rite drew near, something came into my mind that somehow diminished the fullness of my Latin Mass experience. Prior to proceeding to the SSPX church, I had read this article about receiving communion in SSPX churches, in which Monsignor Perl of the Ecclesia Dei Commission of the Holy See had something to say about the priests of the SSPX (emphasis mine):

"[...]1.) The priests of the Society of St. Pius X are validly ordained, but they are suspended from exercising their priestly functions. To the extent that they adhere to the schism of the late Archbishop Lefebvre, they are also excommunicated.

2.) Concretely this means that the Masses offered by these priests are valid, but illicit i.e., contrary to the law of the Church.

[...] In the strict sense you may fulfill your Sunday obligation by attending a Mass celebrated by a priest of the Society of St. Pius X."

[...] we cannot recommend your attendance at such a Mass and have explained the reason why. If your primary reason for attending were to manifest your desire to separate yourself from communion with the Roman Pontiff and those in communion with him, it would be a sin. If your intention is simply to participate in a Mass according to the 1962 Missal for the sake of devotion, this would not be a sin." (from Una Voce America website)

In addition:

"To [... receive Holy Communion] at a Mass celebrated by a schismatic priest, outside of the extreme cases where the Church authorizes it, is to do violence to the sacrament[...]" (from Latin Mass Magazine)

Out of loving loyalty to Holy Mother Church, it was a personal choice for me not to receive the Sacraments as offered by the SSPX. It appears that although the Mass I attended can be valid if the intention was to relive the Mass of the 1962 Rite, the Eucharist from this Mass cannot be valid.

I left the church with emotions mixed with a tinge of uncertainty and confusion. But here is what I can so far say: I am praying for the liturgical renewal of our Church. Mass abuses have all too jeopardized the sanctity of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass in so many ways. The Church needs prayers from people who are genuinely concerned with how God's people are worshipping Him and honoring His Presence in the Eucharist.

Today's Gospel tells us of how weeds are planted, especially amongst the faithful. Seeds of division and the stench of radical modernism have been planted within the ranks of our dear Mother Church. Let us pray that God may renew our Church; and strengthen our faith in and sense of reverence to His Presence in the Sacraments.

Saint Pius X, pray for us, and help rescue the Church. Amen.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Saint Pius X and Saint Francis Xavier, pray for us.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

photo credits: http://www.thebachelorgirl.com/2006/582/traditional-latin-mass-schedule-at-our-lady-of-victories-church/, http://www.freshexpressions.org.uk/uploads/images/wheat%20and%20weeds-web%231%23.jpg, http://farm1.static.flickr.com/207/529693541_a92b2d65a1.jpg?v=0

*"aftertaste" borrowed from Creative Minority Report.

Labels: Jim Lopez

Behind the posts of my blog is a soul struggling to breathe. Somehow I am already given a preview of how it is to minister to people with a fierce struggle going on deep within. Please pray for me, brothers and sisters.

Help me pray for the strength to fight the good fight for God's greater glory. AMDG.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Saint Ignatius of Loyola, pray for us.

Labels: Jim Lopez

An acquaintance of mine, who happens to know about my vocational discernment, is a psychologist. All through my process she has constantly been asking me questions about how I've been doing. To paraphrase her, she is "trying to figure out what I'm about", because she can make no sense of it. She has described my vocation from everything since "honeymoon stage of conversion" to escapism. When those theories failed, she said that I was trying to get to "happiness the hard way", and that "the hardest way is not necessarily the best way". I tried to explain to her that if I had to give up things on this path, that I'd do so out of love, because that is what this is all about: a call to a greater love - with God and others. Her latest attempt to make me question my vocation (?) was a few days ago, when I told her about my experience with the Disciples of the Hearts of Jesus and Mary. She said that I was stunned by the newness of the whole experience and that once amongst them I'd realize that things were not so "wonderful", that I wasn't looking at my vocation from all possible angles (I forgot to mention, but her specialty is guidance counseling).

Perhaps I'm over simplifying things, but I believe there is only one angle I should be looking at my vocation from: does my following a religious vocation help to glorify God? That, I believe, is the fundamental question. All others should only be asked after that. If the answer is Yes, then what must I do, how can I use my God-given talents (and what discover what they are if I haven't already), etc; if No, then how else might I better serve God than consecrating my entire life to Him?

I don't understand how a person can be so relentless to be calling into question your every decision regarding such a matter. Then again, when that person doesn't believe it puts things in another light.

And so the assaults continue...

Where should I begin? Well, I guess a bit of background is in order I suppose…

I am a convert to the faith. You see, when I was born, my father’s family was Lutheran, and my mother’s side was Catholic, although my mother herself is an agnostic. So, instead of getting me baptized, they decided to leave the whole spiritual journey and decision up to me. And boy has it been a journey!

When I was young, my family owned a small, but well known, florist in downtown Sacramento. At times, this would bring us into the local Cathedral for funerals or weddings. I remember being struck by the beauty in the Cathedral. I would be in a state of awe at the divine presence there. I of course know now what that divine presence was, it was Our Lord, Body Blood, Soul, and Divinity, in the tabernacle…

When I was young, I had heard about Christianity, and at one time in the boy scouts, I even wanted to pursue Lutheranism. But as happens with young boys that fell by the wayside eventually, although I never lost interest in spiritual matters and religion. This would continue into junior high when I had my first contact with New Age practices.

In seventh or eighth grade, I found a book on New Age beliefs and Wicca. I was immediately mesmerized in it, and within a short time, I was learning all I could about it. I would continue like this through high school, performing rituals, casting spells, about as far away from Christianity as one can get. But even in high school, the most curious thing would keep happening. Every so often, I would be drawn into a Catholic Church. Whether it was a local one, or whether I went down to the old Cathedral. Something was calling me there. SomeONE was beckoning me to the One True Church. There were even a couple of times when I walked into the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, and saw what was going on. I saw the sacrifice of Calvary. I saw the Priest giving himself to Christ. I remember thinking once, looking at that priest, “I wonder if I am called to that?” Keep in mind, this is coming from a New Age Pagan who tried all he could to refute the Christian message when he had the chance. A person that looked at all of the spiritual and moral truths of the Church, and thought they were all bogus and phony, made up by some man to oppress the masses.

Towards the end of high school though, I began to grow uneasy. Something was not right. And after graduating high school, more things started happening, and holes started appearing in my spiritual beliefs. There was something wrong. I started searching again. I knew by now that I needed to get to the bottom of all of this, I needed to find the Truth.

My journey continued, and through some amazing graces, I found myself taking Catechism classes from a very holy priest. He helped me to work through all of the issues I had. He also taught me in such a way that when we came up to a new subject, it all made so much sense! The Eucharist, Mary, the Saints, everything! He was truly a God send. Him, and a local Catholic book store, and a local Catholic radio station, but I am trying to keep this post short…  :)

When I was baptized in August of 05, when I received first Communion and Confirmation, the priesthood was still on my mind. But I had heard of so many people experiencing the “Honeymoon Stage” of conversion, that I didn’t want to take it too quickly, make any rash decisions. I knew that chances were, I did not have a vocation, and that I needed to just give it time. So I did. But time, or should I say God, had different ideas.

The more time I gave it, the more the Priesthood was on my mind. I tried everything. Immersing myself in different hobbies or projects at work. Taking on new responsibilities, thinking that I would discover what I was truly called to. But the Priesthood would not leave my thoughts. There was not a passing day when I did not think “What about the Priesthood? What if you are called to that?” And so, finally, last October, I finally decided to start looking into different religious orders. And for once, I finally felt like I was on the right track.

I eventually discovered that the religious life may not be for me, although there is still one more order that I am looking into: the Fathers of Mercy. But for the most part, I have started the discernment process with my local Diocese and am currently filling out all the paperwork (autobiography, health exams, etc.) before the three admissions interviews and psychological testing. I pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit, that I may accept His will in my life, no matter where that may be…

For anyone trying to discern a vocation, one of the most important things I have discovered is silence. Silence in prayer. Silence with our Lord, especially in the Blessed Sacrament. Make a regular Holy Hour. Visit the sacraments as often as possible. I can not stress this enough! Only by being with our Lord, and silencing our hearts, can we know His will!

Finally, TAKE IT ALL TO OUR BLESSED MOTHER! She, being the most perfect mother, and being so closely united to Her Son, is the surest way that we can come to Christ, and can come to know our vocations! Pray the Rosary daily! Before you meet with a vocations director, religious order, or complete another step of the process, give it all up to her to present it to Her Son! By ourselves, we are but nothing. We need to allow the Blessed Virgin Mary to walk with us, and to bring us to her Son. Only then will we find lasting happiness, and the will of her Spouse in our lives, our true vocation! Remember: Ad majorem dei gloriam!

Hopefully I don’t lower the quality of this blog too much. :) It’s exciting to be writing with other people who are on this journey of discernment themselves, and I look forward to sharing experiences with them. As always, dear readers, and especially now my fellow contributors, my prayers are with you all. May we all find the will of Our Lord in our lives…

Pax et bonum,
Dean

Labels: Dean

Mt 13:24-30

Jesus proposed another parable to the crowds, saying:

“The kingdom of heaven may be likened to a man
who sowed good seed in his field.
While everyone was asleep his enemy came
and sowed weeds all through the wheat, and then went off.
When the crop grew and bore fruit, the weeds appeared as well.
The slaves of the householder came to him and said,
‘Master, did you not sow good seed in your field?
Where have the weeds come from?’